15.1.12

worrying

i'm a wee bit frightened right now. i'm hearing things that aren't there. sure i see things that aren't real from time to time because of the stupid habits i had when i was a teenager and the permanent, very mild damage i did to myself experimenting like that, but i don't usually hear anything and this is not a flashback, i know what those feel like and they've always been the same with the same cure. these noises are definitely not real: scrapings like granite on granite, whispering voices saying fucked-up shit, B speaking even though she is asleep in her room. she can't be talking because she's been in there for hours and already called J (her long-distance boyfriend) and her parents, these being the three people she speaks to almost every night and the only reasons she'd be on the phone in bed. i don't have auditory disturbance usually (as in it's not some symptom of BPD/EUD or chronic depression) - this is only the second or third time it's happened - but those exceptions are fucking freaking me out. there are also a few unreal things cropping up in my visual field.

they're shadows mostly, humanoid. no discernible features. i keep seeing one (that isn't my reflection) in the black background of this blog. there's also a trail effect, sort of like motion blur on a camera, when i move my head or eyes. unlike flashbacks none of this is alleviated by moving my hand through visual anomalies or plugging my ears until the sounds revert to tinnitus.

there are actual words, too, in the voices. that doesn't ever happen, this is the first time i have ever heard a voice actually speaking to me. usually it's like overhearing talk from far away. the other two times i've heard things, one caused by taking the wrong dose of sleeping pills because i forgot i'd taken the first one, the other by being a fucking moron and drinking more irish cream than i'm allowed by a factor of three or so - those times did involve the occasional song, but not this. for example, last time i thought Muad-Dib had GamerFM radio going on his headset whilst he was playing Heroes of Newerth, because i could hear a song that sounded like it might have been by the Birthday Massacre and B doesn't like that kind of music. there was no song. he didn't even have the actual game music activated. i couldn't make out the verses but the chorus went

everything is black
the queen is black
the dreams are back
and everything is all black

it repeated itself many times, scaring the crap out of me once i realised what it was. i thought it might have been an indicator that my gory, fucked-up nightmares were about to conquer Muad-Dib's superhero-like counteracting effect on them. nothing so far, thank fuck.

i just wish the voice component would give it a fucking rest. they're not schizoid instructions or warnings like someone truly affected by hallucinations might get; they don't give orders or appear consistently as a discrete set of "people" in my head. it's like one conglomerate of misplaced/inappropriately formatted thoughts that uses whatever human "voice" it feels like using in order to communicate its nonsense to me. they're saying things like "Hey" and "Don't think you should" and other vaguely contextual things about what i'm doing at any given point. and laughing every so often. but they're not compelling me to do anything, nor are they saying anything dangerous if i were forced to do what they say.

fuck. i just looked at the monitor on Muad-Dib's old machine that he lets me use, and lying in the background is an image of me lying down on my side, with my eyes open and glazed and my body not breathing or moving. it can't be a reflection because of the angle and because it is wearing makeup and no hat. i have my hat on, it doesn't. do any of you know what to do in this kind of situation? something i can take or do that might help? i realise how insane i am and i sound even worse here but this shit is not right and it's fucking creepy.

L

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

I wish I could help :(

hat said...

Hopefully responding to you from the internets will help, but I don't have any useful advice. Can watching videos or listening to stuff distract you?

Beavis said...

How about seeing an actual Doctor?

Anonymous said...

just guessing here. but might it be some kind of reaction from a fear of losing the people you hold dear?

i am not a psychoanalyst but that would be my first somewhat logical conclusion based on the details you share with all of us on your blog.

Usul said...

I hope you managed to get sleep in the end. Don't spend too much time worrying about it, lest you get caught in a vicous circle of worry and fear. Take care, dear!

Anonymous said...

Get your ass to a shrink, pronto.

Mostyn Darko said...

Hey there Lepht,
just speaking from experiance... But seeing things isn't actually unusual with people at times of stress, and looking at the last few posts you have made, maybe that could be the cause right now?

So first thing would be to understand that you not the only one, and your not going insain. That will only stress you out more. So only see a shrink if it really isn't letting up.

Secondly, try to not stress yourself out and manage things one at a time, have a bath, etc, etc....

Other than that, all I can think of is to try and be as healthy as possible. I'm pretty sure what you eat can affect stuff like mental health, but then I'm no expert... lol. Hope it helps tho

Anonymous said...

What does your diet consist of?

Motoko Kolster said...

lepht! those are classic auditory hallucination! :... baby, baby baby. go to a psychiatrist. i love you. please include more details on this in correspondance.


i love you, baby, don't ignore this kind of thing.

Motoko Kolster said...

lepht, the stressor is the eviction notice, don't you see? *crying* i want to repair lepht!!!

Anonymous said...

It´s not only you...

http://theextinctionprotocol.wordpress.com/2012/01/17/what-are-they-mysterious-unexplained-noises-now-being-reported-across-the-globe/

Elwood said...

Whoohoo, I am not alone! I get this from time to time mostly at night when there are not actual noises. Voices of people I know and sometimes also others. What helps me to bear with it is to constantly reassure myself that these voices only exist in my mind. Haven't felt the need to see a doctor because I'm otherwise quite healthy at least as far as I can tell. Do crazy people know they're crazy?

ENKI-2 said...

This sounds like an ordinary case of hypnagogic hallucinations -- which are symptomatic of sleep deprivation, and can also occur when stress prolongs the transition from sleep to waking. For what it's worth, these are not indicators of being crazy -- though the experience can be extremely unpleasant.

If you value verification over being really creeped out, you can replicate hypnagogia fairly easily, either by forcing sleep deprivation or by forcing a slow transition from alpha to theta brainwaves through some other mechanism (I use binaural beats to induce this state on occasion, and there are more effective yet also more dangerous ways to forcibly entrain brainwave patterns involving pushing current the wrong way into an EEG rig and hoping you don't fry anything important)

Motoko Kolster said...

hey, lepht. i'd like to talk to you about this one. i know i'm kind of late, but my eyes keep crossing and i can't read anything. i also might have something like cushing's- some sort of adrenal malfunction with episodes of organ failure. i'm getting that checked out. sorry its been so long. but with this one i really think i could help you. but i need you to be able to answer questions. also burnt my finger. it sucks. they said i might lose movement in my left forefinger. i hope i don't. but i know a few things that all those symptoms can be part of, it usually has more to do with exhaustion than anything else, but i need some more specific information to tell you specifically, and what to do about it. don't worry, you're not entering a gateway to hell. the thing is though, there are medications that can cause this and there are physical illnesses that can cause it.

so, here are some questions:

are you taking any stimulants?

if so, how much, and why?

have you been gaining weight around your neck and face that won't go away with dieting or excercise?

how often do you stay up all night, and is that because you want to, or because you can't sleep?

are you taking any sedatives or muscle relaxers, i.e. clonazopam, lorazopam, diazopam, flexeril, gabapentin, etc.?

i also wanted to talk to you about the chorus you heard, i have some interesting stories about that, maybe i'll post them. email me at motokokolster@gmail.com

Wade said...

I was readying this cyborg America article about tech implants and ran across your blog in it. Even with it months later, and me having no idea where you are at now in these "illusions," I want to tell you that no matter what happens, there is good in this world :). Whatever scary and disturbing things happen are but only for a short time. Short of getting religious (since that's very repelled in the online world), well I'll leave it at that, I believe in the best in this world.

Do not let fear conquer you.

Wade said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

What if these voices are not hipnagogic hallucinations but something else? What if you can perceive voice/thoughts from other dimensions?

Anonymous said...

Hi Lepht. I used to work as a health and safety officer and one of the cardinal principles was if a worker had an unexplained symptom which was continuing for several days, not getting better (or getting worse) no ifs, buts, or maybes, get medical help asap. Listening to well-meaning but all-over-the-shop advice on the Internet and ending up doing nothing isn't going to help. You're in the UK and you've got the free NHS (for the moment ...) so as others have said go see a medical professional immediately especially if it's 'freaking me out'. Take care.

Anonymous said...

I am an actual doctor. I was redirected from another article talking about wetware and bio hacking. Your hallucinations are very suspicious for a schizoaffective or possibly bpd with schizoid traits.. Other than that it could be drug induced psychosis possibly. Anyhow, those auditory hallucinations you describe are never normal. People can have innocent visual hallucinations from tiredness (hypnogognic) or also drugs but if those are not implicated they should NEVER have hallucinations where there are voices talking to them. That is a red flag for a psychiatric disorder. There are other medical causes but they are less common than psych causes. You need to see a gp and get referral to psych if needed. Don't make the mistake of googling it and convincing yourself it is all ok. Get a check from a doctor. Untreated mental illness is a major cause of morbidity in society and it destroys lives and relationships if not dealt with early on. People will always want to tell you what you want to hear and placate you. The fact is you usually always have to find the truth for yourself. If it worries you or disrupts your work or social life then get help. Also be honest to the doc with your symptoms. It's in your best interest. Anyway I won't visit this site again so all the best!

Anonymous said...

Ever thought the things you have done to yourself have, over time, created a permanent(?) conduit for other (dimensional/hyper dimensional/spiritual whatever definition applies) beings that are just annoying you because they know you are the only one present that is consciously aware of them in some fashion? Not sure if you even believe such a thing is possible (i.e. existence of unseen, by common human perception, beings overlapping the plane of our perceptions/existence) but perhaps this is a possible explanation for what is occurring?

Motoko Kolster said...

or maybe they're just creating a conduit for actual real physical people to show up and annoy you for the same reason. i mean the things youre doing have to have a psychological effect,and if you can't account for that you might want to try connecting whatever else is lepht.

here's a theory: your practices and the strange boundaries that you have have created a social niche for people who aren't like you but do want to be around you, and yet there is no assurance that these people are neccesarily only doing things that are good for you. Nietszche: "There is what is good for the individual,and what is good for the group, and there is no reason why the two things should ever neccisarily be the same."

perhaps there is a pull toward both, at least alternative, or even counteractive, perceptions: that the group's goal is what is good, and that one's own personal wishes are what is good. This lays at the heart of most existential crises and most social dillemas

however, there is also the possibility, which seems like it should be obvious on paper, but usually isnt in real subjective experience, that neither are right. this is usually taken to be a sort of couterproductive, uncalculatable concern, and people tend to brush it to one side in order to focus on their decision-making. its usually felt that if nobody has the right answer, then we're just screwed and there's no way we're going to make the right decision or emerge from any conflict (internal or external) victorious. in reality, however,this is not true. once we can adjust to a certain 'familiarity' of not knowing the answer, or at least not knowing the answer yet, we can accomplish two new things: 1) we don't have to be at as much risk for corrupting our inner decision-making algorithms, because we can tag certain instances, which can be either regular/logical or simply anomolous, as suspect and go back and revise them, and leave room in our planning to make such revisions later. and 2) we become emotionally more capable of thinking through a greater number of possible solutions, with a greater degree of detail and accuracy- this is a biological fact, and needs no rational explanation.

also, there is this phenomenon, once laid out by RD Liang, that i keep coming back to; the closed circuit of soundness of mind. We need to always be both letting in input of accurate perception, and giving out an output of meaningful interaction in order to maintain a sound mental state. The trick here is that these two things are inter-dependant. If we lose our ability to percieve accurately, we end up losing our ability to have meaningful interactions with the world around us (this half of the 'circuit' is what is called 'ego' in psychoanalysis)- this much is usually common knowledge, and 'sits well' intuitively; it can readily be both rationally explained, and logically concluded. What is also true, however, is that the same interdependance runs in an oppisite direction of causality- that if we first lose our ability to have meaningful interaction, our capacity for accurate perception also starts to break down- again, a simple, verifiable, psychological, and biological fact. Most philosophy simply tries to do without this all-too-important fact because it is not as easily rationalized or logically deduced from initial agreed-upon assumptions. in the end it is their loss, and their personality disorders, as well as the reason it has been taking so long for philosophy regarding humans to significantly evolve, post-nietszche, unless of course we look for philisophical innovation within the fields of science that rely most on health, biology, and neuroscience. The 'emergent phenomenon', the 'latent functional structure', and even existential subjectivity, are all things that have emerged fairly recently only from the scientific/medical study of the biology of human thought and experience.

hope this helps. stay awake; sleep well.

Motoko Kolster said...

NB: The cyclic, dual-directional causality of psychological wellbeing can probably be propped up by rationalaization and logical deviciveness, but such support would be superfluous and ought to provide its own verifiable proof of its importance.

Anonymous said...

Dude. You're probably experiencing how electromagnetic fields can influence the human brain and make it sense things that aren't there. Could be caused by your experiments/implants with magnets.

Anonymous said...

It is the opiates that are doing that to you. The way you describe your hallucinations - really fits.

Anonymous said...

It's Technology! Don't let them send you to the psych ward.